brandmuffins

It's dangerous to keep songs of particular meaning on repeat.

The most difficult part of traveling is all the goodbyes. It's tragic to feel that there is no where in the world I could stay now and not miss someone. But as much as it is terrible to be missing someone(s), I feel so grateful to have had so much love in my life.

Thanks.

There is fiction in the space between
The lines on your page of memories
Write it down but it doesn't mean
You're not just telling stories

Real quick before I'm out of time:

Spain: amazing, especially san sebastian and barcelona, singing drinking songs and eating sardines, unforgettable

Germany: Slow month but good moments, a variety show in Frankfurt, seeing the castle in Heidelburg, struddel, and the world's best tomato soup

France: Top of the eiffel tower, the louvre!, and mmm food, oh and roman ruins in the south

Italy: Milan=hell! lol, missed trains, wound up back in paris, spent four hours on local transportation instead of 30 mins, got locked out of my hostel after spending hours looking for it, finally get in and learn that it is ran by the mentally disturbed??? have to sleep on the floor one night, sprain my ankle

but venice=beautiful

I am in Spain. I write it and then read it and even though I´m sitting in an internet cafe where I occassionally have to double check my typing because the keyboards are slightly different and people are talking in spanish all around, it still doesn´t quite seem real to me. I´m having a great time, I´d blame the sangria (which is divine) but I´ve only gone drinking twice. That was this past weekend. On Suzanne´s suggestion I hopped a bus over to San Sebastian and actually ran into a group of UC kids who were escaping their summer programs. Mind you, i´ve only been in spain a week and I´ve already ran into two separate UC groups-it´s like we´re everywhere! While we were in san sebstian there was this really interesting sardine festival going on that was great. They had tables lined up outside of a restaurant by the ocean where you could buy plates of soups, bread, sardines and grab a bottle of white wine while bands played at a stage nearbye. People stood up in between the tables to dance and goups of people would just start singing drinking songs together and cheering. It was amazing to see a public sense of community. When it got dark, a man wore a sort or bull hat that went over his face and had along body sticking out from behind him. On top of it small sparkler like firecrackers would go off and all the chilred would run in circles from the bull as though it was the ¨Run of the Bulls¨rated G. I´m not really sure how no one caught on fire as there were sparks everywhere falling down onto the kids and someone near me had a spark burn a hole into their shirt even though they weren´t even that close to the puppet-thing.

One really great thing is that it´s not as hot here as it usually is in the summer. The weather has been quite perfect at all hours of the day, it´s amazing. I´m taking spainish classes which I enjoy though the beginning level seems to be far too easy and the intermediate class much too difficult. I´m taking the intermediate one though all but two of my classmates are from either Brazil or Italy and are able to talk very well and way too fast for my liking.

I know I wrote a lot, but for anyone who has been before there is so much more I have left unsaid (like: the gelato here is a million times better than any i´ve ever had in the US!). I hope you all are enjoying your summers and i will send postcards as soon as I can find some!

Hmm a couple of things:

1) please don't text me anymore. My grandpa has cut me off because I am about a hundred texts over my limit. But, now my grandpa who hadn't spoken to me in three years is talking to me. Wow.

2) something that's really bothering me. Angelina Jolie is going to star in the movie "Atlas Shrugged" and will be playing a hard core capitalist written by an author who practiced and preached a moral philosophy called "absolutism" that allowed for no charity or god(s). Oh Angie.

3) I leave the country in 13 days!

So, hypothetically if one started to consider taking a year off before going to grad school...what would one do?

So I think andrew and I are going to spend 5 nights in NY over Christmas break (Dec 27-Jan1). I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions about where one can stay..especially cheap stayage, in NY. Thanks!

Just to let you know, purchasing int'l airfare is a pain in the ass. I waited two weeks and airfare prices rose by like $500. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

On a better note, I saw Wicked at the Pantages a few days ago and it was lovely.

Numeric Breakdown of My Present Life

1 day--> Chem Quiz
1 day--> Paper Due
4 days--> RA superbowl event (about an 8 hour time commitment with shopping included)
6 days--> Political Science Midterm
8 days--> Chem Midterm
8 days--> Paper Due
10 days--> LSAT
5 weeks--> Andrew leaves for Spain


oh, I should add:

10 seconds--> nervous breakdown

Do you know of that liquid, that vaccine, that shot, that doctors smile about when they mention in front of girls/women, that they can stick a needle into you and save you from cancer. Not all cancers, not many cancers, but a few. The HPV Vaccine for girls in the age range of about 10-26 that can help prevent cervical cancer.

I hear this and goosebumps bulge from my arms and legs; the excitement. I think enviously, grasciously of these talented people who's efforts will undoubtedly save numerous lives. Maybe I'm blinded by this warm wave of enthusiasm that I don't see the arguments made when I hear parent's yell angrily at the thought that such a vaccine would be offered to girls so young. "It will promote sexual promiscuity."

It's hard for me to continue typing from this point, because it leaves me so utterly confused that I verge being speechless! So I ask all the women in the audience today, tell me, the first time you were considering sex-did your mind shoot to fear of the human papoloma virus? Was the chorus of women singing for abstinence in fear of cervical cancer some huge concert that the world attended but I managed to miss? Honestly, I don't think women are educated enough about HPV to understand its reprecussions on their body in relation to sex at age 10. I didn't even know that sex nearly guarantees your exposure to that virus until very reccently. Whether or not a woman has sex, I doubt will ever (and if so then rarely) be a correlation with thoughts of HPV. And if your child does, for some unfortunate reason, choose to become sexually promiscuous at a young age, punishing them with their life is a pricey penalty. Don't you think?

Oh, I would also like to add that my father shares the tone of concerned parent's of the hyper-sexuality of the youth, and when I told him I wanted that vaccine, my mother, herself, being a survivor of cervical cancer, he seemed upset.

Why do people contact you to tell you they want to hang out, and then end up never doing it? It's the least of my problems but it makes the least sense to me. Oh well, I'm totally keeping their Christmas present then.

You know love when you feel it so strongly it's hard to breath, and that how I feel with my two neices.

This break has been one of exhasted disappointment, and not just for me but for almost everyone around me. I know that I am so blessed, and that I have so much in my life that I didn't earn in any sense, but I'm just tired. I wish people could treat each other better and then we wouldn't have these problems. Damn it, I need a hug...and I miss my resies!

I think it's interesting that when my parents divorced my mother moved to a place that mimicks Tehachapi better than any other place I know. Both boast Kmart as their biggest store, both are very involved in the business and windfarming, and...I forgot my last comparison. But it's not important. What is important, to me at least, is that I had an amazing past week.

Friday had left me a little bummed out. It seemed that all my friends were having great times at various parties that I would have loved to have attended but I was stuck on campus with RA assignments all through the night, essentially from 6pm to 1:30 am. But I got to take a break and watch Almost Famous with my mother who I truly do adore and rarely see (perhaps it's the novelty of our relationship that makes it work so well), and I also befriended an RA whom I'd rarely spoken to before. The next morning I awoke and reunited with my mother and met up with my sister and her two best friends and we ventured forth to find my sister her perfect wedding dress. It didn't take long to find these garments, and in a few hours we were done, so we paroused the mall a bit, delighted in pizookie before dinner ant BJ's and I got to kiss my wide-eyed neices good bye as I returned to campus for yet another session of RA rounds. Rounds went quickly since the campus had largely been deserted, but I could have perhaps done without the raindrops falling on my head. Sunday morning I had yet even more RA duties, making sure that the res halls had been cleared and were left free of any visual evidence of illegal activities, wondered off to my lsat class and then drove with Andrew to palm springs to have dinner with my mother and spend the night. This was our half-way point to Tuscon which we headed to the next morning to meet up with some of Andrew's friends at U of A. Between Monday-Friday we went hiking in the mountains, enjoyed games of foosball, consumed alcoholic beverages on a regular basis, watched a myriad of movies, and just had real conversations with handfuls of strangers who were so friendly and welcoming that it boosted my confidence to a level I had forgotten the last couple of years. Grades came in and disappointed but my second practice lsat score came in and was a little more cheerful. All in all, it was awesome. I'm in Palm Springs right now, I'm not sure where I'll be tomorrow, I need to attend an LSAT class, but I'm not sure where I'm going to do that. Either way, besides my class, I'll be in palm springs until wed night and then back in Tehachapi at least until Christmas, but I'm not sure what I'll be doing after that point. I want to spend new years at both ends of the state but that doesn't seem logical or feasible so I'll have to figure it out somehow.

I can tell my ears are acting up again. It's not that I have pain in my ears right now, but when the fluid builds up in them, as it frequently does, everything begins to feel dreamy and disconnected. There's a slight feeling that the world is slowly spinning around me, just enough to make me feel dizzy. I'm done with most of my finals, 3 out of 4. My last one is on Friday, but I don't know when I'll get to study for it. Hopefully tomorrow. Today I have to get my LSAT homework done, and then go to class. It doesn't help that i've been exhausted all day from a lack luster night of sleep. I've beening thinking of someone from my reccent past lately and I wish I had the self-control not to because it honestly makes me sick. People are sometimes so disapointing that it is sickening. I don't think I'll ever understand this world, or even the smallest fraction of it. People are strange, everything's strange. What blows me away is the dichotomy's of life and death, inhale and exhale, how can you love someone with all your heart and then the fire turns to ashes and the ashes blow away? The world is beautiful, full of life and color, but it is so damn confusing at the same time. I read an article in an LSAT test about a week ago that talked about a theory of the earth being a living organism. That amuses me.

1 final down, 3 to go. I have one tonight, one tomorrow morning and then 1 friday afternoon. So close to freedom. I'm really nervous about my final tonight. It's not so much that the content is difficult, but there is a LOT of it and the entire course grade is based on the final and I really want to do well in this class/really need to do well in this class for the whole law school thing. Arg. I've felt really overwhelmed lately. On top of classes I have RAing which takes up like 10-12 hours a week and lsat studying which is currently taking up about 10hrs a week, though I anticipate it will rise exponentially once I have a better grip on how to study for it. This break will be really nice to have though I want to hopefully write something over the break about the fallacy of forever 21's Bible verse printed on the bottom of their shopping bag since they use sweatshop labor. Very interesting. Ok...study time? 5 hours til I gotta knock this bad boy out of the sky.

So much studying lately! My eyes are perpetually blood shot. I'm really tired, and I found my way over to geisel to try to kock back the rest of the reading for one of my classes when I encountered the delighful sound of jackhammers...on the library wall...days before finals!!! Are you kidding me? Maybe I'll just go over to Roma's. I'm really glad this quarter is almost over. I am really looking forward to my classes next quarter. I'm taking ballet, experimental writing, crisis areas in world politics, and chem 12. The latter of which is less exciting, b ut I'm hoping it can't possibly be as bad as physics was this quarter. I'm a little stressed because my half-sister's father, whom I have no real relationship what-so-ever, keeps calling me wanting to hang out. It's not that I dislike the guy at all, but he calls up my sister when I don't return his call within a day, saying how much I must hate him and that he just wants to take me out to dinner. And, i feel like we've never even had a real conversation, but he leaves messages saying, "hi, t's your stepdad" (which he's not), and says "i love you" with good bye. I feel so guilty, but when I do talk to him it's awkward with lotss of silence...

ugh..i'm going to try to find a new study location

I decided to update mostly because it makes me so happy to see other people update that I thought I should be apart of the journal giving end of the community. I've been thinking though about moving away from the computer all together and returning to the paper journals like the old worn ones that fill my night stand drawer back home. I started my first diary in first grade, it's very sparse and very simple covering topics like "katie didn't sit next to me at lunch i think she's mad at me." Perhaps my favorite part of reading diaries, is that while i would start my journal entries from the front of my diary, I would simulataneously start writing in the back pages of my journal, filling that latter section with poems mostly, and occassionally some inspirational quotations. Looking back at these poems is hilarious. It's so funny how terrible they are, and how much I thought they were amazing when I was young. This continued up until jr high, by high school i think I realized that I was not a poet, though I wonder at times if it would have been different had I grown up with poetry books instead of works like "little women", "pride and predjudice", "the prince and the pauper" (which I didn't really like) and well you get the point. I'm not saying I regret it at all, I just can't help consider how different my mind would work. It's amazing how much of us is shaped by what we're exposed to. It's logical of course, but it still shocks me.

The whole RA thing is getting better each week. I'm not gunna lie, the first couple weeks I had had the terrible thought that maybe I wasn't cut out for this. I think a larger part of it was that I was fighting a lot with the two people that I was closest to at the time, and lost one of them completly and almost lost the other. It made me very withdrawn. I think I actually owe some of my residents for my gradual coming to comfort process. They were reaching out and befriending me, instead of vice versa. They are two amazing residents mostly.

I auditioned for the vagina monologues and got call backs for 2 of the larger monologues that happened to be some of my favorite monologues of the whole thing. I was so excited, one of them involved me having a british accent, and I was rehersing the script they gave me with one (very content shocked) resident, and having a lot of fun. But, i didn't go to the call back. It is the unfortunate case that one of the nights of the play is the same day as the LSAT, and it's also right around midterms...so I chickened out. My LSAT score will ultimately determine whether or not I can go to a tier 1 or tier 2 school, and it determines your scholarship eligibility at most schools too. I'm starting to look at a law school in hawaii, it's pretty deccent and the tuition is only $20,000 dollars. For those who don't know, most schools are in the $30,000 range for law school, so it's actually really nice. Cheaper that the UC's by a few thousand, though if I could go to a UC i'd probably take that. Problem is they are extrememly difficult to get into.

Anyway, I've been talking for a long time, and since i currently have B+'s in all my classes, I need to go study.

PS: is anyone else going to the shins/modest mouse concert the sat. after finals?

So, the practice LSAT was yesterday. I was so anxious and also unforutunately ill that I only got 3 hours of sleep beforehand but it went much better than expected and it made me decide that I need to expect more out of myself. Ugh, I'm still sick but getting better. Tonight was "One Sweet World" a revelle wide event serving international desserts and showcasing cultural dances put on by some of the RA's (including muh-self). It went really well-I made crepes and everything was deliscious.

And hey-let's hang out.

I've had law on my mind all the time.Other than the fact that i'm taking two law classes, I can't stop thinking about the lsat and how i need to do amazing to get into any good law school. I know i can get into an okay one...but I really want to get into a good school. Goodness. But I've also had it on my mind because I've been thinking about what branch I wanted to get into. I had been leaning on criminal, because I knew i didn't want to do business/tax...but now I'm thinking about public interest law. I've been following talks about "femicide" (brutal slaughtering of women) in guatamala, and the women in juarez, and the children being sold as sex slaves in cancun, and it's all so terrible. If I were to take part in public interest law, I could do things like get those people assylum in the United States. That's pretty awesome. In criminal law, I can imagine walking away thinking, "I just protected a murderer" or something devastating like that, but with public interest law, I feel like i'd never have to be the bad guy. And I feel like someone needs to fight for these people. There isn't a lot of money in this profession because your clients don't usually have money, which is tough when you're leaving law should with a $125,000+ debt. But it's reminded me of what I say when people ask me what I would do if I could be anything. And I'll usually wind up responding "a doctor in a third world country"--I feel like they aren't too far apart. I don't know. something that's been on my mind and I just wanted to get it down.

Is nostalgia ever healthy?